“I was visiting a friend in New York. By then I was like bones; I was using all the time. And at some point she finally told me to leave. It was 5 AM. I had nothing but a hoodie, and it was negative degrees. In one hand was a bottle with 45 pills of Xanax. In the other was my cell phone, with my Mom’s contact open. It was either make the call or take the drugs. That’s when I got my higher power push. My friend came outside to see why I was still standing in front of her building. I said: ‘I’m talking to my Mom,’ and I quickly tapped the ‘call button.’ When she picked up the phone I broke down. I told her that she was right, and that I’d been using this whole time. I apologized for everything. She told me: ‘It’s ok, I just want to get you help.’ She bought me a flight home to California. It was five days of detox then straight to rehab. It’ll be nine months sober on Sunday. In a lot of ways I feel like a child again. I started using when I was twelve, so there’s a lot I never learned about being a person. I’m learning how to talk to people. I’m learning how to be bored. I’m going back to school; I never thought I’d be back in school again. My sister used to say that it never felt like she had a brother. But we’re closer now. That’s something to be proud of, for sure. Same thing with my parents. I used to never call my Mom. Or if I did, it was something negative: I need something, or I want something. Now I’ll just call her to see what she has going on. She tells me about her interior design stuff, or maybe a house that she’s trying to sell. I enjoy hearing about that stuff. My relationships feel real now. For the longest time, I wasn’t even a person. There was no Jake Black; it was just drugs. Now I’m actually a person. And that’s a big motivation to keep going to my meetings, and to keep picking up my phone. Because if I relapse now, it’s going to hurt everyone who’s gotten to know this side of me.”
“It was the end of a sixteen-year marriage. I’d just turned 50. I wasn’t young anymore. And I knew what it was like to be single in New York; I didn’t feel equipped to do it again. We started the divorce process a week before the pandemic hit. None of my usual coping mechanisms were available. I couldn’t get a drink with friends, or go to the gym, or go for a run. I was just doing my best to white knuckle through. I’m part of a Facebook Group called ‘Hoo’s Getting Fit,’ for Black UVA Alumni. Normally we post our fitness goals and achievements. But during COVID it became much more about emotional support. It was Bryon that had the idea to do a zoom happy hour after work. I knew him a little. We’d met once during college, at a frat party. We actually still have the photos from that night. His happy hour was well attended. And since we all had this shared college experience, things got intimate pretty quickly. People were sharing personal things: my parents are ill, my child is immunocompromised, my marriage is falling apart. Bryon sent me a personal message after I shared my story. He said: ‘I also know what that’s like, when you think you can love enough for the two of you.’ He was much further along in his divorce process, so our first few phone calls were a lot of me dumping my shit on him. He started checking in on me. We spoke every day, then multiple times a day. He was pretty open from the beginning: ‘I can’t believe anyone would ever leave you. I really want to take you to dinner.’ After nine months he drove up from DC. He’d always had a full beard in our video calls. But he showed up clean shaven. It was a warm summer night. The restaurants had just begun to reopen, so we ate outside at an Italian restaurant. I took a photo of the way he was looking at me. After dinner we took a walk through the West Village. It was a warm summer night. I was wearing a sun dress. He made me feel so feminine. He held my hand. He got me flowers. He walked on the outside of the sidewalk, which I hadn’t seen since my father. It all made me feel so beautiful, and desired, and young again. I felt courted. That’s it. I’d forgotten how that felt: to be courted.”
I wish I could delete my sad feelings
“There are times when I am convinced I am unfit for any human relationship.”— Franz Kafka (via quotemadness)
half of my time spent in public spaces consists of me wondering if i’m acting normal enough
მდაჰ.
broken